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SNAKES – AND HOW THEY ARE DEALT WITH BY THE AUSTRALIAN DEFENCE FORCES
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Infantry.* Tracks snake through jungle.* Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
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Parachute Regiment.* Lands on and kills snake.
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Armour.* Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
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Cavalry.* Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective – to hold Sydney against Melbourne invaders at all costs.
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Commando Regiment.* Plays with snake.* Gets smashed with snake.* Eats snake.
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Combat Engineer.* Studies snake.* Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets.* Chain of command pays no attention.* Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
*
Artillery.* Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.* Misses snake.* Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it.* Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
*
Special Air Service.* Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Affairs directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.* Trains it to kill other snakes.* Files massive expenses claim.* Writes best seller “Python Two Zero”.
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Army Medical Services.* Snake dies by mistake on operating table.* Dissects snake.
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Royal Australian Navy.* Fires 120 missiles from an imaginary 17 ships.* Estimates 60% of snake killed.* Makes Power Point presentation to Defence Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
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Army Reserve.* Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise.* Keeps quiet about it.
*
Royal Australian Air Force.* Obtains geo-coordinates for snake.* Alerts F-111 and F/A-18 forces and ADGs.* Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake.* Flies in at 20,000 feet.* Can’t find snake.* Drops bombs in sea on way home.* Returns to base for air conditioned crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, fine wines, facial and manicure.
*
Intelligence Corps.* Snake?* What snake?* Only 4 of 35 Indicators of snake presence currently active.* Assesses potential for snake activity as low.* Dies of snakebite.
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Joint Logistics Organisation.* Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of >$2.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.* Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing.* Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star* tri-Service steering group.* Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2006.* Snake experts from Special Forces and Norforce told that they do not know what they are talking about.* High profile $4M Public Relations campaign launched featuring celebrity chefs and retired 3-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.* Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.* Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indonesian and Thai Armed Forces.
*
Defence Materiel Organisation.* Decide they want to buy a Snake.* Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.* Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.* Six years late and $3 billion* over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS (Complete off the Shelf) snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
*
ADFWC Doctrine and Training.* Doctrine forms Working Group, based in Port Douglas, to write ADDP on snake. Training develops course, covering 2 weeks, about snake and travels to Malaysia, Singapore, New Zealand, and the US to deliver course. Course not available in Australia.
*
Department of Defence.* Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled.* Loses interest.
*
Infantry.* Tracks snake through jungle.* Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
*
Parachute Regiment.* Lands on and kills snake.
*
Armour.* Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
*
Cavalry.* Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective – to hold Sydney against Melbourne invaders at all costs.
*
Commando Regiment.* Plays with snake.* Gets smashed with snake.* Eats snake.
*
Combat Engineer.* Studies snake.* Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets.* Chain of command pays no attention.* Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
*
Artillery.* Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.* Misses snake.* Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it.* Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
*
Special Air Service.* Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Affairs directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.* Trains it to kill other snakes.* Files massive expenses claim.* Writes best seller “Python Two Zero”.
*
Army Medical Services.* Snake dies by mistake on operating table.* Dissects snake.
*
Royal Australian Navy.* Fires 120 missiles from an imaginary 17 ships.* Estimates 60% of snake killed.* Makes Power Point presentation to Defence Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
*
Army Reserve.* Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise.* Keeps quiet about it.
*
Royal Australian Air Force.* Obtains geo-coordinates for snake.* Alerts F-111 and F/A-18 forces and ADGs.* Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake.* Flies in at 20,000 feet.* Can’t find snake.* Drops bombs in sea on way home.* Returns to base for air conditioned crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, fine wines, facial and manicure.
*
Intelligence Corps.* Snake?* What snake?* Only 4 of 35 Indicators of snake presence currently active.* Assesses potential for snake activity as low.* Dies of snakebite.
*
Joint Logistics Organisation.* Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of >$2.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.* Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing.* Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star* tri-Service steering group.* Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2006.* Snake experts from Special Forces and Norforce told that they do not know what they are talking about.* High profile $4M Public Relations campaign launched featuring celebrity chefs and retired 3-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.* Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.* Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indonesian and Thai Armed Forces.
*
Defence Materiel Organisation.* Decide they want to buy a Snake.* Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.* Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.* Six years late and $3 billion* over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS (Complete off the Shelf) snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
*
ADFWC Doctrine and Training.* Doctrine forms Working Group, based in Port Douglas, to write ADDP on snake. Training develops course, covering 2 weeks, about snake and travels to Malaysia, Singapore, New Zealand, and the US to deliver course. Course not available in Australia.
*
Department of Defence.* Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled.* Loses interest.
